Why 'I'm sorry, but...' isn't a real apology

In a sentence with "but," the second half cancels the first. The listener walks away holding the explanation, not the apology.

The shape is consistent: "I'm sorry, but I was stressed." "I'm sorry, but you also..." The translation is always the same: if you knew what I was dealing with, you wouldn't be this upset. The hurt person is now being asked to weigh your context against their pain — which has nothing to do with repair.

Harriet Lerner catalogs this pattern in Why Won't You Apologize? — one of several reflexes that protect the apologizer instead of repairing the harm.

There's a separate conversation where your reasons belong. The apology isn't it; mixing them collapses both.

What works instead → How to give a real apology that actually works.