How to respond when someone says "you always" or "you never"

Because it's no longer about one moment. "You always" turns something you did into something you are, and a character is much harder to fix than a Tuesday.

The Gottman Institute draws the line between the two: "A complaint focuses on a specific behavior, but criticism attacks a person's very character." John Gottman counts criticism among the four patterns that most damage relationships. "You always" dresses a complaint as criticism, so you end up answering the attack and missing the complaint.

Because you win the wrong argument. You find the exception ("I called on Thursday"), they defend the word, and ten minutes later the two of you are debating a count while whatever upset them sits untouched. Even if you're right that it isn't always, they're still upset, and now they feel unheard as well.

Answer the complaint inside the word. Set the "always" aside, guess at the specific thing that's bothering them, and ask whether you've got it right. A guess they can correct moves things forward; a debate about frequency doesn't. Use your own words. The move is to guess, then ask.

Then the "always" is an exaggeration pointing at something true. Agree with the pattern and leave the word alone. Saying it keeps happening is honest even when "always" isn't, and it's usually what the other person needed to hear before anything else.

If you're the one who reached for "always": Why criticism damages relationships more than complaint and How to translate a complaint into a request.