What is a repair attempt?

Anything you say or do to keep an argument from getting worse. The Gottman Institute defines it as any statement or action, "verbal, physical, or otherwise," meant to calm things down.

It doesn't have to be a speech. It can be a joke that breaks the tension, a hand on a shoulder, or one plain sentence admitting you got louder than you meant to. What makes it a repair is the aim: turning the two of you back toward each other instead of against each other.

Because early on, it's small. A quick check-in when the tone first shifts takes a few seconds, and both people are still calm enough to hear it.

Later, once things are heated, a repair has more noise to get through and less chance of being heard. It may also have to be bigger: a break instead of a sentence.

One missed repair isn't a verdict. They may not have heard it as one, or they may be too worked up to accept it yet. Try again a little later, or say plainly what you're doing: you don't want this to turn into a fight. If you're both past the point of hearing each other, a break is the better repair.

Usually like a check on the two of you rather than on the topic: pausing the point to ask whether you're okay. Use your own words. Red flags you're missing covers the early signs that tell you when to try one.

Related: How to de-escalate an argument · How to build a culture of appreciation in your relationship