What to say when you're in crisis and someone asks how you are

Something short and true, sized to whoever asked. There's a middle answer between "fine" and the whole story, and it has two parts: it's hard right now, and you're working on it. Something like "Rough stretch, but I'm dealing with it." Put it in your own words; what matters is the true state plus a bit of motion.

"Fine" is a small act of hiding, and hiding has a price. In lab studies by Emily Butler and colleagues, when one of two strangers kept her emotions from showing, the talk went worse and her partner's blood pressure response was larger. That was pairs of strangers in a lab, so hold it as a hint.

Sometimes the true answer is that you don't want to be here anymore. If you're thinking about ending your life, call or text 988 (Suicide & Crisis Lifeline, US).

Related: What does 'grace under fire' mean?

Acknowledge that something is going on, say you're not getting into details, and stop there. Not everyone who asks gets the same amount, and you decide who gets more.

The shape shifts with the listener. A coworker might get one line that something's happening at home and you may need some slack this week. An acquaintance might get a warm thanks for asking and a change of subject. Family tends to expect more, and telling them you'll share more when you're ready is still an answer. If your version of any of these comes out clumsy, it still does the job.

Start with the smallest concrete thing you can name: an hour of company, help with one form, a dinner you don't have to cook. A specific request gives people something they can actually do. An offer like "let me know if you need anything" leaves that part to you.

If nothing comes, rule something out. Telling a friend you'd like company but no solutions yet counts as asking, and it gives them a clear job.