Why 'let me know if you need anything' doesn't help

Because it gives the person a task. To take you up on it, they have to figure out what they need, decide it's worth bothering you about, and then ask, all at a moment when deciding anything is hard. Crisis can also leave them unsure what they need in the first place. What I usually see is the offer sitting unused, from a friend who meant every word.

So why do we reach for it? Partly because someone else's trouble is uncomfortable to sit with, and an open offer feels like doing something while keeping some distance. Patricia Frazier and her colleagues found that whether someone's support was helpful or unhelpful seemed to depend more on the supporter's own distress than on what they knew about helping. They didn't study this phrase. My reading is that it's often what a rattled supporter says when committing to something specific feels like too much.

Make the offer specific: one task and one day, so all that's left for them is a yes or a no. "I'm going to the store Saturday morning, so send me a list" asks far less of them than an open door does.

What works instead → How to support someone in crisis