Guide

How to support someone in crisis

Pax

Pax

October 11, 2026 · 3 min read

When someone you care about is in crisis (a diagnosis, a death, a job gone overnight), four moves cover most of what helps: stay with them, offer one concrete thing, hold your own story back, and come back later. None of them depends on finding the right words.

They're harder than they look, and research on the supporters themselves offers a reason. Patricia Frazier and her colleagues studied people supporting someone through a chronic illness, a bereavement, or a breakup. Their results suggest that whether a supporter gave helpful or unhelpful support depended more on how distressed the supporter was than on how much they knew about good support. The more distressed supporters did less of the helpful kind, like letting the person express their feelings, and more of the unhelpful kind, like minimizing the problem. Most of the steps below are ways of keeping your own distress from making the decisions.

  1. 1Stay with them instead of fixing it

    Your first job is to be there while it's bad. Making it less bad can wait. Carl Rogers called the stance underneath this unconditional positive regard: warmth toward a person that doesn't depend on what they say or how well they're coping. In practice, let them talk. Let a silence run. Don't steer toward a silver lining or a plan they didn't ask for. The urge to fix will arrive, and it's usually your own discomfort looking for somewhere to go. Notice it, and stay put.

  2. 2Offer one specific thing, with a day attached

    Pick something useful and put a day on it, so the only decision left for them is yes or no. Something like "I'm doing the school pickup on Wednesday. What time do they get out?" An open offer asks a person with nothing left to work out what they need and then ask for it. A specific one does that work for them, and if you picked the wrong thing, it's easy to correct. Related: Why "let me know if you need anything" doesn't help

  3. 3Keep your own story for later

    When what they're going through echoes something you've been through, hold it for now. Early on, even a kind comparison turns the conversation toward you, and the person in crisis ends up doing the listening. Your story isn't off-limits for good. It has a time, and it's usually after they ask for it. Related: Should I share my own experience when supporting someone?

  4. 4Put the follow-up on a calendar

    Help tends to pour in during the first days and then thin out, while the crisis itself keeps going. Don't count on remembering. Before you put your phone down, set three reminders: one week out, four weeks, six weeks. Each one only needs to be small: a text, a coffee, a walk. By the later dates, asking how they're doing tends to get a straighter answer than it did in the first week, and it shows you're still there after the first wave of people has moved on.

If they talk about wanting to die or hurting themselves, don't try to carry that alone. Stay with them and help them call or text 988, the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline (US). You can also contact 988 yourself to ask how to help someone else. If you're thinking about ending your life, call or text 988 (Suicide & Crisis Lifeline, US).

Related: What's the difference between helping and rescuing?, and Grace Under Fire, the essay this guide comes from, which also covers the other side: what helps when you're the one in crisis.

From the essay:Read the full piece →

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